Too Much Toupée: What Trump Costs the GOP

donald-trump31The Hair
For the good of the party, we must consider this: whomever Trump’s hair stylist is doesn’t deserve our scorn for being bad at their job, but rather our praise for making ours easier. Trump’s stylist has done more for our party than a hundred Bernie Sanders or Michelle Bachman speeches. Trump’s stylist has sent one of the richest and powerful men out into the world wearing a floral arrangement on his head so ugly, only a blind man could have put it together, and boasting the rare and exotic plumage of birds now extinct by the Donald’s own hand, but more than happy to fill out Trump’s hair-over-combover. Rounding out the carpet upstairs are rare pelts of Arctic animals displaced by melting glaciers — a phenomenon Trump would say is “NOT caused by man and definitely not proof of some paranoid Communist theory used by scientists to scare the public and attack big business!” Gotta love that guy…

Trump’s hair is a well we can return to time and again, to remind us to give thanks that a man so rich could have hair so poor. Any stylist who committed a heinous crime like that on Donald’s head would have surely gotten themselves executed by men like Stalin, Pol Pot, or Pinochet. But just as Hitler listened to his misguided and well meaning barber to wear a mustache no bigger than a postage stamp, Trump too placed his trust in hair dressers who could only be working for us. If his outrageous statements and buffoonish hot air tirades weren’t enough to deliver the White House to our party, Trump’s hair does the rest of the work. What person in their right mind could possibly elect a President with hair like a disheveled bird’s nest?

A True Grasp of History & Science
We must all thank our lucky stars that the Donald doesn’t possess the same acumen in the hair and style department as he does in the cutthroat world of real estate, As Trump says about his hair: “Immigrants are rapists and murderers, and always to blame.” Oh wait, sorry. Next clip: “…and that’s why we deport them. Remember folks, the world’s been around for at least six thousand years now, and there’s nothing mankind could do to change that. What are we going to do, drink up all the water in the ocean? Or maybe we’ll run out of oil and all the other unlimited fossil fuels out there? Perhaps if we’re not careful, we might run out of air, as it escapes through that “hole” your “theories” say is in the sky. I’m sorry, but I don’t see a hole….do you folks? No, I didn’t think so. So give me a break! I’m a rich guy. And powerful. So who else are you gonna believe? Trust me: There’s nothing any of us did or could do to ever hurt the earth, and I predict humans will happily live here for at least another six thousand years! No one here goes extinct on my watch! (except those I had to kill. ‘You’re Fired!'”

Whipping Up the Base…But Which One? Dems Play Trump Card
I could listen to him speak all day. It’s like music to my ears. And then you look at the cruel joke on top of his head, and can’t help but sing, ‘Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Trump Another Combover!” It’s like he’s stumping for the Libs and dyed in the wool socialists. Trump’s raising more cash for the Dems than Bernie Sanders at this point! Of course we know there’s no way in hell he’ll ever get the Republican nomination, but at least he’s hogging the spotlight from more centrist Republicans, who lean just slightly left enough to often poach moderates and Independents (the coveted “swing voters) from the liberals. These are men like Jeb Bush — the presumptive nominee, and best shot, IMHO. But as long as Trump’s yammering on, the less these others get to talk, and the more the party looks like an angry mob of torch carrying Monster-hating, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist, intolerant bigots, storming the castle, and looking to torch and harass anyone who doesn’t belong here! After all, their great-grandparents didn’t travel 3,000 miles across the Atlantic ocean over a hundred years ago, in search of a new home and a chance at the American dream, just to share it with a bunch of dirty immigrants crossing the border and looking for another handout. Trump just might drive moderate voters towards the middle, and deliver them right into the hands of…Bernie Sanders….Hillary….Candidate X. Keep talking, Trump.

And yet, it could get even better…

If Trump continues to feel disgruntled and rejected by the party, he could leave it behind, and run as a third party candidate. This is not far-fetched at all, considering Trump’s past shows he jumps between parties more often than Lindsay Lohan and has more positions than a Kim Kardashian sex tape! Trump continues to make enemies, not across the aisle, as one might expect, but in his very own party, as he insults the top brass, including a recent swipe at John McCain and rejecting him as no war hero. If Trump were to run as an Independent, he could split the GOP vote, just as Nader did to Gore in 2000, and the victory could go to the Dems again! It’s a long shot, but it’s worth considering.

Stay in the Race: A Trump in the Hand, Is Worth Two Bachmans and a Bush

We’re counting on you Donald Trump, to whip all those torch-carrying, gun toting, border guarding, intolerant ass holes into a crazy frenzy, and bring them right up to the verge of a nervous breakdown, as you dominate the headlines, and suck all the air right out of the Republican Party. We’re fifteen months away from the election, and I know you’re no blushing flower when it comes to being a publicity whore. Keep fighting the good fight, and pitting the Right against each other and setting up straw men to be knocked down, and being the most vocal demagogue out there. Anyone who can make Cruz, Ben Carson, Scott Walker and Rand Paul look centrist, tolerant, and openminded must be good for the party! Or at least good for ours!
If nothing else, he’s always good for a laugh! That hair! For real. He actually looks in the mirror and likes what he sees. I wonder what that is exactly. It can’t be that rat’s nest. He probably sees Robert Redford or George Clooney looking back. Yeah, baby…look at that hair! I’m rich, bitch!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s