Explanation

A Letter to a Fellow Sufferer: One Bipolar to Another

Dear T,

I am moving to Boston in just over a week, and I just wanted to say a few parting words… Although we are still technically “friends” on Facebook, we never actually got close in person. I can’t help but think that that has something to do with the things you’ve heard about me. It’s true, I don’t have a good reputation in the theatre community in Bangor. I directed at Penobscot Theatre Company, and I fell out with J. I. and B. N., I acted for Ten Bucks Theatre Company, and I fell out with J. L. I was set to direct at the Center Theatre in Dover-Foxcroft, ended up hastily resigning, and alienating your good friend, A. B. I am not proud of my behavior, and it is just one of the many reasons why I am leaving Bangor and moving back to Boston – where I have a stellar reputation and am much respected in the theatre community. I don’t want to make excuses for my poor behavior, but I do want to put it in context.

We both suffer from Bipolar Disorder, but apparently your affliction does not cause you to have severe mood changes and sometimes be an ass hole. I have noticed you are a beloved member of the community, and everybody loves working with you. That’s terrific. Disagreeable and anti-social behavior is one of the many symptoms of Bipolar, but apparently you have been blessed not to suffer from that debilitating part of the disease. That’s a good thing. Unfortunately, I did suffer from that. DID is the operative word. The stories you’ve undoubtedly heard about me all come from 2011/2012/2013. These stories are over five years old! When those people knew me, I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and my meds weren’t adjusted correctly. I was on all the wrong medications, and I was grieving for the life I had lost. I was cycling between intense depression and mania. I also became addicted to Ritalin, and was snorting quite a bit of it. I was in and out of the emergency room, and I attempted to take my life on several occasions. And yet, I thought I could still do theatre. I couldn’t. I was miserable to be around. I was hardest on myself, but then incredibly hard on the people around me. I had unrealistic expectations of people, and inexplicably took my wrath out on them. I was not a pleasure to be around.

That being said, I can’t tell you the remarkable journey I’ve been on since then. I took a life-changing trip to Portugal, and came back a new man. I started working out, lost over 80 pounds, began to practice Yoga, delved headlong into my recovery/ therapy, took DBT/ mindfulness classes, started to eat healthy, and most importantly, got put on all the right meds, which balanced my moods and all but eradicated the mania and the depression. I quit Ritalin, and have been VERY healthy ever since. I rarely get depressed, and haven’t been manic in years! I am a very different person than I was five years ago.

Sadly, the theatre acquaintances we share can’t see that. They refuse to see that. I’ve tried apologizing on multiple occasions, but they refuse to hear it. They have unfriended and blocked me on Facebook. That’s fine. I understand that I didn’t treat them well, and I can understand why they’d reject me outright. Unfortunately, some people don’t believe in forgiveness and redemption. But I do. I believe in second chances.

My first suspicion that you may not like me was when you turned down my invitation to the Star Trek viewing party at my house. Ever since then, you haven’t once liked or commented on any of my posts, and I haven’t spoken to you in years. But I hoped that we could be friends. We are both actors. We are both writers. We both love Star Trek. We both have Bipolar. And we probably have many other things in common. I’ve found a publisher for my upcoming book, and I hope you’ll eventually read it. Although we’ll be separated by over two hundred miles, I hope you’ll consider truly being my friend. I am here to support you, and I want to be your friend. I just hope that you’ll come to your own conclusions about me, rather than rely on past impressions. Those days are thankfully over, and I look forward to having a second chance at life. I know that’s something you can get behind. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. Sorry for the long message. I hope you are well.